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Simon Phipps's personal commentary

For your safety and comfort...

There is only one way to make air travel secure, and that is to take security seriously and prioritise it above all other factors. We should learn from the most secure flights to date - operated by the US military for select trips to the Caribbean - and upgrade measures so that the antics of the Underpants Bomber can't be repeated.

In future, all passengers aboard planes must:

• Wear secured headphones for safety education and approved entertainment throughout flights, so that passengers cannot communicate with each other for co-ordinated attacks. It's possible Apple or Sony might sponsor these, reducing costs. This measure will also reduce incidents of unlicensed use of music, especially as people cross market boundaries, so maybe the RIAA will support this.
  
• Travel blindfolded. This prevents any awareness of location or time and ensures no targetted use of devices. This additionally defeats attempts to benefit from unlicensed movies, so MPAA sponsorship for the blindfolds is possible.
  
• Travel naked. This reduces opportunities for concealment of devices, although security staff will still need to use powerful scanners pre-boarding.
  
• Undergo sensory disorientation pre-travel, so that passengers do not know where they are seated or what the time is. This could be combined with the blindfolds and headsets.
  
• Travel in limb restraints fastened to the seat. In addition to protecting against unexpected turbulence, this will prevent any attempt to operate devices. Airlines could consider tube-feeding so they don't lose revenue from in-flight paid catering.
  
• Require a pre-flight "hotel night" where they spend 12 hours before boarding naked in solitary confinement under observation. This will eliminate the possibility of devices being ingested. Boarding will only be permitted with evidence of defecation.

There are huge cost-savings achievable for the airlines here, as well as potential new revenue opportunities and sponsorships such as those indicated. The pre-flight "hotel night" will naturally be charged extra, the need for in-flight entertainment systems is eliminated since no-one can see, hear or operate them, on-board toilets and galleys can be removed and replaced with extra seating and on top of all this far fewer staff are needed and training can be reduced. Ryan Air has already field-tested some of these, I gather.

In addition:

• Flights must operate to unpublished departure and arrival schedules using undocumented routes. This has the added benefit that flights can no longer be late.
  
• Business class passengers benefit from loin-cloths during boarding and in-flight sedation so they are less impacted by security measures. They can also purchase use of video goggles instead of blindfolds.
  
• First class passengers benefit from anaesthesia and are boarded on stretchers. Choice of approved drugs available pre-boarding.
  

All for your safety, comfort and convenience, of course. Relax, sit back and enjoy the flight!

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If Naomi Klein is right, capitalists have been waiting for the Underpants Bomber. Let me know when you spot them. The hour is at hand for the Underpants Gnomes.

Labels: travel

posted at 6:51 PM (UK) | |